My Philosophy
We are drowning in information, while starving for wisdom. The world henceforth will be run by synthesizers, people able to put together the right information at the right time, think critically about it, and make important choices wisely. – E.O. Wilson
Wisdom is your edge.
What follows is a roadmap to acquiring wisdom.
Inciting Incident
Divorce has a way of initiating change into your life whether you’re ready or not.
As Paul Simon sang:
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
A divorce can reduce you to rubble. You’re vulnerable in the worst ways; emotionally, financially, spiritually, even physically.
You lose trust in yourself, relationships (romantic, and platonic), even with the very fabric of society.
And, it can be the greatest thing to ever happen to you.
Some people allow a traumatic event like a divorce destroy them. Other people thrive.
What’s the difference?
I believe it comes down to making a particular decision: “Either I’m going to let this thing beat me. Or I’m going to fight.”
While we can’t control the outcome, we can control our response.
As long as we still have fight in us, the outcome barely matters. All that matters is the decision to continue fighting.
I absorbed a lot of punches through my divorce; baseless accusations, slander, the loss of my home.
The ones you trusted the most can hurt you the worst. – Unknown
Rock bottom came when my kids were withheld because (in a story as old as divorces) we disagreed on child support.
That summer, feeling crushed, I saw the rest of my life, bitter about how I had been treated. I could have allowed that to eat away at me until eventually it won.
Instead, I made a vow that this challenge wasn’t going to be the one that beat me and so I said ‘no more’. I decided that I would make the best of the situation.
That was the moment I started to dig myself out of hell.
I made an agreement with myself; I might lose some battles, but I wouldn’t give up.
From that moment on, I focused on I needed to become in order to live an amazing life.
I’ve been on a grand adventure. I barely recognize that person, the victim, I was all those years ago.
Had I remained a victim, I would have remained stuck as a victim. My life would not have progressed.
Safety
It doesn’t matter who we are; man, woman, child — we all want to feel safe. Some feel safe in comfort. Some feel safe in the battle.
My life changed when I made the decision to fight and to be ok feeling unsafe.
But why did I make the decision in the first place? I could have easily given up
And why do some people make the decision to give up?
Why do some people embrace change and others run from it?
In a word; safety.
Behind the decision, the person who is willing to embrace change and allow it to take them down an uncomfortable road knows they will be safe along the way. Thus you feel safe.
If you feel unsafe with the journey, you’re going to feel fear. Most of us, when we experience fear, we run away from fear towards comfort. They run away from the unknown. Some are so afraid of the unknown future, they fight like hell to stay in comfort.
Like fighting a current, what if the effort to stay in place is greater than letting go?
Emotions trump logic. The illusion of maintaining safety is more powerful than logic.
The fight I had wasn’t with my ex to ‘win’ the divorce. The fight was with myself to believe that I was going to be ok no matter what happened.
Once I realized I would be safe, I relaxed and let go. From surrender is where I experienced life’s magic.
Drivers
Emotions are feedback based on past experiences which warn us about future perceived dangers.
There are three drivers of emotions.
1) A Pavlovian, or conditioned response. This is a physiological, unconscious response where we don’t know we’re reacting to our past experiences. For example, you associate a song with an ex-girlfriend. Now when you hear that song, you think of her only now you dislike the song.
2) Ego-based Judgements. Ego in this situation is defending a belief that is not formed from the heart. You judge your parents without a full understanding why they behave and make choices in the way they have. One common illusion is that we think love should only bring us pleasure. So if you date a woman who unintentionally makes you feel bad, you might leave her.
3) Good and bad. We run away from what we perceive as bad, towards what we perceive as good without knowing if it’s right for our fulfillment. Sometimes it is, but it might not be. When you operate from good and bad, life happens at random. For example, if you see how good your brother is at athletics, you might go into an art program so you aren’t in competition.
While stories are powerful when we’re unaware of them, they’re not reality, and they’re certainly not truth.
Bruises
When I was young, around 12, I had never seen the word “Nevada” before.
Before I continue, I want to make it clear that most of the time, people aren’t aware of the impact their words have on us. I believe this was the case in the following example.
“The ones you trusted the most can hurt you the worst.” – Unknown
One day I was in the car with my parents, and we drove by a store called “Nevada Bob’s” (A golf store, I found out later)
I asked my parents “What’s Neh-VEH-dah?” I didn’t know how to pronounce it.
They laughed at me “HAHA Jeff said Neh-VEH-dah HAHA. It’s Ne-VAH-dah”
I was embarrassed. I told myself a story that I was dumb.
Every time I saw the sign, the feeling of the moment where I was embarrassed was replayed, and the story reinforced. Stories are reinforced with repetition and this one sat deep inside of me for years.
When I caught myself explicitly telling myself that I was dumb, I would push it down back into the dark subconscious and out of my conscious mind.
The strategy of pushing stories down is a common one for men, but while it might work at times, it will catch up.
For me, that story caught up when I went to do my school work. I would feel tired and I struggled to concentrate. My subconscious would say ‘what was the point in putting effort into my school work if I was dumb?’
As a result, I stopped putting effort into my school work.
Since I didn’t put much effort into my schooling, my grades suffered. I scraped by, but never lived up to my potential.
A ripple effect followed:
- The Universities I applied to didn’t accept my low grades.
- The story about being dumb continued through post-secondary, and I didn’t land a prestigious job out of university. There were many years when I had to struggle for work
- Because I had low self esteem, I didn’t put much effort into my health and I put on weight.
- Carrying extra weight made me feel unattractive, so I ended up marrying a woman who didn’t value me and we had a toxic relationship.
- She had an affair and we ended up divorcing. That chewed up a lot of time, attention, treasure, and energy.
I let stories choose my path. Emotion dictated my reality.
All because I didn’t know how to pronounce a word.
Since then, I’ve worked hard to become aware and to undo my stories.
When I first started on this journey, I studied stories to help myself.
Now, I look around and realize that most people are carrying damaging stories.
That believe the stories they’re carrying: unattractive, dumb, unlovable, unattractive, weak, or unworthy.
Emotional healing isn’t masculine
Years ago I might have agreed with you. Now I believe it’s the next step in our evolution.
However, we hear ugly stories about this daily. Hurting other people with any kind of violence (physically, verbally, or emotionally) is not strength. Those who commit violence are emotionally weak.
If you can manipulate someone’s emotions, you can control their actions.
But the world is changing. I believe emotional self-regulation is the next evolutionary step for men.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change”. — Brene Brown
The modern warrior doesn’t wear armor and carry a sword, he wears a suit and carries a phone. The battleground is a different place from what our biology has built us for.
Emotions were originally intended to keep us out of danger. At one time they might have warned us to be careful, there might be a predator around.
Today, most of us won’t encounter a bear in the wild, however, emotions still rage inside. Maybe it’s fear of getting laughed at, anger towards someone who hurt us, grief over something we lost.
Emotions can be a wonderful source of information for us since they show us where we’re weak because once you’re aware of the stories you’re holding, you can heal them.
We all have stories of someone who pushes our buttons (*cough* Exes *cough*). However, if we let them push our buttons, we lose.
The way for us to win is to become emotionally non-reactive. I don’t mean that you should become a robot. Love, and joy, and the color they bring into our lives isn’t accessible if we aren’t vulnerable. Those are the emotions that make life worth living.
Brené Brown’s work touches on why emotional regulation is important. Vulnerability is only accessible through emotion. You have to be ok with getting laughed at for your creation to be shared with the world.
Powerful Decisions
While I still carry stories, and I always will – It’s part of the cost of being human – I’m getting better at catching them.
Luckily, the stories are written in our minds, and aren’t set in stone. They can be overwritten.
Noticing stories and overwriting them is a skill. The more you practice it, the easier it gets. You start to notice stories by listening for emotions. Emotions are the ultimate feedback.
I’ve already shared an example of negative decision making. It’s possible to flip the negative feedback loop into a positive one.
Then small decisions become easier. Bigger decisions come by chaining small ones together.
For example, because you no longer are telling yourself you are dumb, you put more effort into your school work, get better grades, go into a better school, get a good job, and have a great life.
By changing your perception of the past, you in effect are changing the future.
Coaching
Today, inspiration is my fuel.
It prompts me to ask: What do emotionally driven decisions cost us? How can we catch them before it’s too late?
And ultimately; Where would we be if we all healed? What would we be capable of?
I help people become strong emotionally so they can make powerful decisions for a clear place.
If you’re interested in working together, reach out.